Horror

Hi! My name is Aya, and I don't like horror movies.

I've seen 2 horror movies in my life, and the most recent one I spent hours afterwards staring out the window into the dark on the off chance I could see my murderer before they got me. This is the effect they have on me. People close enough to me now know that I don't handle anything like that well. My friend tried to show me a video about something but all I remember is that it was a complex mental concept that got a little gruesome and had a background similar to a twilight zone feel. I left. I walked out. I was so scared I was shaking and nauseous. Those friends have since learned and have helped me through many things.

I tell you this because I finally figured out why.

In my household I was trained to do many things.

I was trained to remember EVERY event because you never know when those could come back in conversation and be turned against you. I remembered every conversation word for word and only said the prepackaged responses that "good little girls" said. "Yes sir". I remembered every word because every word could be a trigger, an indicator, an instigator. I remember every conversation and every word that scared me because anything could lead to anything. Something as simple as not taking the silverware out of the dishwasher could end with me getting my face pounded with the hard plastic eyes of my favorite stuffed animals. When I grabbed some cardboard tubes before they went in the recycling it was found out and I had a rubber spatula to the butt more than a few times.

Anything could lead to something bad.

If I didn't eat all of my dinner that night (due to sensory issues, not being a picky child) I'd get it for breakfast. Didn't eat it then? Lunch. If I still hadn't eaten it no dinner. If I went to the bathroom afterwards and vomited I was bulimic. I went to counseling for throwing up after a few dinners only to find out years later it was KFC cake that made me sick. I didn't eat much because I had to make sure I was paying attention to everything and that stress kept me wound up.

When I say I'm scared something is going to murder me, it's a legitimate fear that was instilled in me in a young age. ANYTHING could lead to ANYTHING. No matter how small