My name is Aya and I'm sorry I'm disabled.

My name is Aya and I am disabled.

I can name 5-6 conditions that I can pinpoint that I suffer from, with genetic predisposition as well.

I suffer from Fibromyalgia which is a chronic pain disorder that can not only ruin you physically, but it also comes with brain fog and quite a few other symptoms that overlap with my other symptoms. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety. It affects my ability to socialize, my ability to keep myself alive. It likes to convince me I'm not worth the food that I eat leading to strange eating disorders and patterns. It likes to convince me that no one likes me which makes me start to stress over every thing I have done. The stress makes the muscles tense, which aggravates the fibro. I suffer from PTSD which amplifies these symptoms and can cause panic attacks and strange reactions to situations. I am somewhere on the mild side of the spectrum causing me to have problems hearing words, looking people in the eye, and conversing properly. I get easily overloaded by sounds, sights, and feelings and often have trouble with conversations or clothing due to this. I suffer from a condition related to Fibro called Costochondritis. This is an inflammation of the cartilage in the ribs. This causes trouble breathing, insane rib pain spikes, back problems, trouble wearing proper clothing, and trouble moving in general. These are the most prevalent and problematic conditions that I can pinpoint for myself.

What do I do about this you ask?

Ibuprofen- My regular dose is somewhere around 1800mg. I refuse to do more because I also use...

Alcohol-Nothing is better for short term pain relief than a few shots and a nap.

Medical Marijuana- causes memory lapses and space moments but is most effective in convincing my brain that I'm not in pain. Does not however treat the inflammation and sometimes my body reacts poorly to the mj making the pain worse after.

Prozac- Can't live with it, can't live without it. It keeps me afloat.

Occasional steroids, muscle relaxers, and pain dampeners- Because something has to work eventually.

Gabapentin.

Gabapentin is used for seizures and changes the way connections are formed in the brain. It can also be used for pain.

Gabapentin, while fixing some of the pain creates other issues. Migraines, memory and cohesiveness lapses, mini seizures, and difficulty concentrating/thinking.

Independently, these things...while frustrating, I am learning a balance for them.

But...

Now add in society.

I forget birthdays.
I call out of work a lot.
I forget plans.
I cancel plans.
I sit in bed for days.
I stop eating.
I burden my friend and family.
I have a weird diet.
I have a scary amount of medication

People don't know what to do with me, but they do know that I'm frustrating, flaky, and occasionally quite a jerk.

For anyone reading this who knows me-

I'm sorry.

If it makes you feel better, I feel like that too. I hate myself and what I have to do to function. I want to work 40 hours at a great company, while going back to school and interning in vet tech. I want to go out every weekend and see everyone I know and be able to spend a day at a theme park. I want. I want. I want...

I want to sleep 8 hours and feel rested. I want to not have to go to bed 11 hours before I have to get up. I want to stand up and not pop in 15 places. I want to breathe in. I want...

I'm sorry.

But know, that I'm trapped in this hell too. It's not that I don't think your birthday is important, it's that I have to keep track of so much pain, medical doses, and then fight through the disability fog and the side effects, and even THEN...there's a chance I don't remember something vital. I forgot to buy toilet paper for a week.

Toilet paper.

Think about that.

So, in short, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm a miserable, horrible, disorganized, poor friend and family member. I'm sorry that I'm a cocktail of stupid disorders and horrible chemicals. I'm sorry that to solve one problem I have to create more, and I'm sorry...I'm sorry for the impact my health has had on your life.

I hope, that one day, there can be understanding. I know that's hard, and not something I can ask for when I am asking for so much else but...please...know that whatever you feel towards me I feel towards myself too...and it's multiplied by every person I hurt.