Acknowledgement is the first step

I hurt.

All the time.

A lot.

If you have read the earlier post you know that. The pain isn't just physical. The guilt, the torture, the ptsd, the depression, the anxiety, it all makes it worse or adds to it in a way I can't fully describe. During a low point I told a friend it was like "chinese water torture and gaslighting at the same time". It's like feeling that drop hit you, but every time you feel it someone goes "That's not real, you're making it up. It's not a fun mental place to be.

That said, the emotions weigh on me very hard. I don't remember when it started, but it must have been a few years back. Before when my emotions got out of control I would curl up and let the tension pull me apart until I was exhausted and then I'd make myself forget it. When I was mad I'd curl my hands up until my nails dug into my palms reminding me not to say something that would make it worse. "Yes sir" was the only thing that should come out of my mouth. It evolved somewhere. One day I was pushed to an edge where I told my friend that the bottle of bleach under the sink would make a nice cocktail. That day, through the tears and the agony, I unknowingly put my nails to my temples and dragged them down until it burned. The tears seared with salt rolling over the irritated skin. I did it again. Suddenly I started calming. It wasn't enough but it was something. Staring in a mirror I realized I was starting to look as "falling apart at the seams" on the outside as I did on the inside. I had angry red tracks leaving a plaid pattern from my forehead to my collarbone. It felt right.

After that, the escalation kept going. I'll say this now, a blade never touched my skin. I promised myself and my family (unbeknownst to them) that I would never do that. I'd never leave the permanent marks of my suffering. Arms, legs, face, chest, hands, anything I could reach became the target. The crazy radio in my head no longer said "This helps, people will see you now" and it began to say "You deserve this, do you feel better now?" "I bet they really regret this after they see how broken and pathetic you are". The voice went from relieved to spiteful.

Now it's habit. When I cry my nail rubs back and forth on my thumb knuckle. When I feel helpless they dig into my palms. When I'm angry or feeling invisible you'll notice the small red marks on my neck. It's a habit...and an addiction. Now I want it, because I know after it something is better. Be it the chemicals, or the habit of releasing and forgetting afterwards, I want to be on the other side. I don't use blades, I don't use fire, I don't use any of those things, but that somehow in my mind made it okay.

Hi, my name is Aya and I'm 24 years old.
I have Fibro, Depression, and Anxiety.
I'm addicted to pain to drown my emotions.
I am aware now. I can help myself through this.