Hello my name is not Aya

Hello my name is Aya...

No that's not quite right.

My legal name is Kaitlyn. I went by Kaitlyn or Kaydee until after I graduated high school. If you've read my other posts, you will notice that I was a kid that went through some rough times, and I didn't always handle them well.

Enter Aya, her full name is Ayancia Elizabeth Fera. It took a while for her to morph into her full form, but I eventually found her amidst all the pain. Aya is an elf. She's 6 foot tall, long blonde hair, adept at combat, and has powers of the telekinetic and telepathic variety. Aya is constantly changing and shares many of the problems I do, just on a magnified capacity. She is a guard to the Queen of the elves and spends most of her time making sure security is tight and monitoring her people telepathically.

I created Aya. She became my role model, my hero, and my friend. Every night I would lie awake in bed and go through the events of the day, translate them to Aya's world, and see how she handled them. I would use this imaginary figure, who was everything I wanted to be, to deal with the problems that I couldn't. As a kid I was depressed, anxious, abused, and socially sheltered, so it was rare I knew a good way to handle a situation. Aya is strong, informed, attractive, and deals with these situations like they're nothing. After a while of doing this her story started to flesh out and I wrote about her daily. She became my life, my obsession.

My father died during my junior year of high school. I was devastated as I'd never really felt loss like that. My world, and my family were thrown into absolute turmoil. I dated, I loved, I lost, I graduated, I moved, I moved back, I felt guilty, I felt incomprehensible pain, we fought, and finally...we lived.

I eventually started to see the weight that was placed on me from my childhood, and from him. It was at this time that Aya started popping up in my thoughts. I found that she probably would have handled things pretty close to how I did, but she would have held her head up and made her own decisions instead of thinking she was "forced" to. I started using her again. I used her during the day now. I called upon her for strength. I called upon her when I felt lost or afraid. Suddenly she became even more ingrained into my life. When I imagined her in my shoes, I'd be the one in control. The moment I heard the name "Aya" my head lifted, and my shoulders rolled back. It's subconscious, but she became the strength in me, the one I never knew I had. It felt...comfortable. Suddenly someone being mad at me didn't really tear me apart because as Aya, I would just handle it as a part of my busy day. There were bigger things to deal with, and someone being mad was an easy fix.

A few years later I began working in some pretty bad places. I was screamed at, locked in rooms with mad people, had things thrown at me, threatened with death, and just overall torn apart again. It was at this point that I went one step farther. One day I introduced myself as Aya, and upon hearing someone call me that name I realized something...I could be her. I would use this tool as a part of me. To this day I go by the name Aya because it's a reminder to me. It's a reminder of what I've done, what I've lost, what I've endured, and more importantly, the fact that I can handle today because last night I saved the queen and reorganized the barracks. I can be this inspirational warrior that is able to handle things with ease and doesn't need anyone to be anything for her because she doesn't need others to shoulder the things she can handle on her own.

What if we found one person who did things the way we want to be, and then we became that? What if we saw a reaction someone had and adapted it? What if we took all of this one step further and turned ourselves into something we admire? Think about it, and if you adapt it and it works for you, share it with someone else. It might just save someone's life, or help someone who needs that one extra boost.

My name is Aya and I'm sorry I'm disabled.

My name is Aya and I am disabled.

I can name 5-6 conditions that I can pinpoint that I suffer from, with genetic predisposition as well.

I suffer from Fibromyalgia which is a chronic pain disorder that can not only ruin you physically, but it also comes with brain fog and quite a few other symptoms that overlap with my other symptoms. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety. It affects my ability to socialize, my ability to keep myself alive. It likes to convince me I'm not worth the food that I eat leading to strange eating disorders and patterns. It likes to convince me that no one likes me which makes me start to stress over every thing I have done. The stress makes the muscles tense, which aggravates the fibro. I suffer from PTSD which amplifies these symptoms and can cause panic attacks and strange reactions to situations. I am somewhere on the mild side of the spectrum causing me to have problems hearing words, looking people in the eye, and conversing properly. I get easily overloaded by sounds, sights, and feelings and often have trouble with conversations or clothing due to this. I suffer from a condition related to Fibro called Costochondritis. This is an inflammation of the cartilage in the ribs. This causes trouble breathing, insane rib pain spikes, back problems, trouble wearing proper clothing, and trouble moving in general. These are the most prevalent and problematic conditions that I can pinpoint for myself.

What do I do about this you ask?

Ibuprofen- My regular dose is somewhere around 1800mg. I refuse to do more because I also use...

Alcohol-Nothing is better for short term pain relief than a few shots and a nap.

Medical Marijuana- causes memory lapses and space moments but is most effective in convincing my brain that I'm not in pain. Does not however treat the inflammation and sometimes my body reacts poorly to the mj making the pain worse after.

Prozac- Can't live with it, can't live without it. It keeps me afloat.

Occasional steroids, muscle relaxers, and pain dampeners- Because something has to work eventually.

Gabapentin.

Gabapentin is used for seizures and changes the way connections are formed in the brain. It can also be used for pain.

Gabapentin, while fixing some of the pain creates other issues. Migraines, memory and cohesiveness lapses, mini seizures, and difficulty concentrating/thinking.

Independently, these things...while frustrating, I am learning a balance for them.

But...

Now add in society.

I forget birthdays.
I call out of work a lot.
I forget plans.
I cancel plans.
I sit in bed for days.
I stop eating.
I burden my friend and family.
I have a weird diet.
I have a scary amount of medication

People don't know what to do with me, but they do know that I'm frustrating, flaky, and occasionally quite a jerk.

For anyone reading this who knows me-

I'm sorry.

If it makes you feel better, I feel like that too. I hate myself and what I have to do to function. I want to work 40 hours at a great company, while going back to school and interning in vet tech. I want to go out every weekend and see everyone I know and be able to spend a day at a theme park. I want. I want. I want...

I want to sleep 8 hours and feel rested. I want to not have to go to bed 11 hours before I have to get up. I want to stand up and not pop in 15 places. I want to breathe in. I want...

I'm sorry.

But know, that I'm trapped in this hell too. It's not that I don't think your birthday is important, it's that I have to keep track of so much pain, medical doses, and then fight through the disability fog and the side effects, and even THEN...there's a chance I don't remember something vital. I forgot to buy toilet paper for a week.

Toilet paper.

Think about that.

So, in short, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm a miserable, horrible, disorganized, poor friend and family member. I'm sorry that I'm a cocktail of stupid disorders and horrible chemicals. I'm sorry that to solve one problem I have to create more, and I'm sorry...I'm sorry for the impact my health has had on your life.

I hope, that one day, there can be understanding. I know that's hard, and not something I can ask for when I am asking for so much else but...please...know that whatever you feel towards me I feel towards myself too...and it's multiplied by every person I hurt.